Its taken me a long time to feel I could write on the blog today so please bare with me and there might be graphic descriptions.
I came on yesterday and the cramps were so much more painful than I had imagined, they were intense and have taken control of my bowel.
I have spent the last 3 days running back and forth to the toilet with each cramp and I have been unable to face any food due to the nausea that hits each time the cramp takes hold. For that reason even taking paracetamol was a struggle to take.
I started bleeding from the bowel which really scared me as this isn’t something that has happened before even though I had endo on the bowel.
So sleeping between cramps, toilet trips, forcing water down me and crying this hasn’t been any easy few days.
I found myself just wanting to be in a dark room and not even wanting to look on fb or watch tv. This morning I found myself thinking ‘am I doing the right thing?’ I am putting my body and health at risk for this, could I be happy if I gave this up…….
I did some online research and found that ladies with Endo often find the first down regulating drug irritates the Endo and makes it worse. This rang true to me as the symptoms I have now are how I felt before I was diagnosed.
I am looking into whether I can choose to have a hysterectomy after birth (if this is successful) allowing me to start a fresh life as soon as we have achieved our family.
Endo has taken control of my life and taken my hopes of having a family and squashed it! The hormones control my mood, the pain, bowel symptoms control what I can achieve on a daily basis.
I cant live…..and I mean really live with this for the rest of my life.
Anyway I phoned the clinic to let them know that my period had arrived and they have booked me in for my ‘baseline scan’, blood test and to learn how to administer my next drug this Weds.
She said that the scans after that will probably be next Tues and Fri, I am guessing these are to see how many eggs/follicles are developing. I told her how the pain was affecting me and she said I was safe to take paracetamol and codeine! Thank God!
My period is a little all over the place…. heavy one minute and light the next. My cramps have now slowed down a bit and my apetite is starting to come back. I am taking it easy because I am scared how much pain I will be in when I need to go to the loo again.
I really hope I am over the worst of this bit and I can return to work tomorrow, I don’t want to let my work down and I don’t know how I will feel when the next drug is introduced!
I am so thankful for my amazing husband who is being so patient and tells me how well I am doing. And for my mum being on the phone supporting me and listening to my tearful rambling today.
This is really hard and I admire women who go through several failed ivf tries and still remain focused and positive. I am not sure I could do that!
I am learning a lot so far……
I am strong but also weak
I am determined but realistic
Its really hard to motivate to inject yourself when you know something is making you unwell
What will tomorrow bring?