Instincts

So today has felt like a whole week of emotions!

I am literally exhausted right now and I think I will be giving up to bed very shortly.

Somebody close to me told me they are pregnant today and although I had my suspicions it didn’t make it any easier.

When the words came out of her mouth I felt so torn….

The happiness and admiration for this person filled me up and I felt happy for her. I held back the tears as I hugged congratulations.

This is their moment and they shouldn’t have that taken away by my struggle.

I honestly am so happy for them but I am scared. If my attempt fails I will be watching that persons bump develop and hear the cooing over from others around them. How will I cope with that?

I had a few tears and as I injected myself tonight I thought about how unfair it is that I have to do this to myself to have the small chance of a family.

Why cant I fall pregnant naturally? Will I ever get to experience the feeling she is?

I deserve this don’t I!

I have to somehow fight through the hurt, negativity and exhaustion of this whole experience to find energy to battle on……. visualise what I want and shrug off the hopelessness that I feel right now.

Tonight though I feel like I need to go to bed and embrace how I feel, go through it and process it to come out the other side. I don’t know if that makes any sense but tomorrow is scan day and we find out what’s next.

How much fight does one person have in them?

 

 


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