Just sitting here reflecting on what we have been through so far……..
Not just the IVF, drugs, and emotional rollercoaster.
Since before I was diagnosed people judged me when I felt so ill ever month, drs told me to get over it and fed me the pill. What they were really doing was quieting down and hiding a horrible disease that would change my life forever.
I am feeing very resentful towards ‘Endo’ right now, I am looking back on how confident I was (not always of course) but I felt sexy when I got dressed up, I had a sex drive and life in between periods was semi normal.
I look at now…. I feel old, unattractive, no sex drive and not confident. I have to plan my life around periods and have regular spotting at all random times of the month. My bowel will only handle certain foods and if not renders in in extreme pain with constipation, or joins in with the bleeding every month.
I feel exhausted so easily and the hormones sometimes make me hide away from everyone.
How do you not become defined by a condition that controls your life so much?
Now when I feel unwell (most of the time) I think if the scaring, bleeding and adhesions that are inside my body and just feel like an ill person rather than me. I have seen my personality change throughout this journey and its scary.
Last night I had a cry thinking that what I had wanted for my future has been snatched away.
Was I told how much the ivf drugs would effect my condition? I cant remember, did I block it our because I just wanted a baby for us so much.
I am scared right now that if we do fall pregnant the next time, am I going to be this unwell throughout and after the pregnancy?
Has the endo now spread into my bowel and will the next op mean a re section….
I had always heard that pregnancy made it better but that’s rubbish. As soon as this treatment works or fails I want a hysterectomy. I want to try and live my life without my endo controlling it.
I believe that my hubby deserves more…. a better and happier me. I am determined that we will have all that we want. If we cant have our own child we will adopt or perhaps we should be grateful for what we have in each other and create our own adventure.
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what is ahead, maybe then we could take a detour.
There is a Panorama on tonight about IVF and how the industry trys to sell you add ons to treatments that apparently have no scientific proof that they work. So that will be something to think about to.
How do you not let this process take over your life?
Well today I am not at work, I woke with some bleeding (from both places) and felt light headed and I knew its on the horizon. I had all of my work things ready to go but I was too scared that….
I wouldn’t make the journey without having an accident., I would be crippled with pain when I got there or I would flood in front of the office.
So I have booked a Drs appointment this afternoon to talk to a lady Dr and possibly be signed off for a few days until the period has passed. I had a hot bath and now am laying with a hot water bottle willing the full flow to come so I can start a fresh and try and get some normality back.
Even after a bath, or making a cup of tea I am exhausted, heart racing and out of breath.
I have the window open and I can hear children playing at school, and I can smell cut grass. Life just goes on…… makes me think of other people in the world and what they might be going through or battling with today.
I have to be thankful for what I have been granted with in my life. An amazing husband, a loving family, supportive co workers and good friends.
This is the time in your life you find your faith but you just have to learn to use it!