In the afternoon I went with my family to the garden centre to look at Christmas decorations and get in to the spirit.
I found I got tired quickly but I did enjoy looking at the lights, decorations and gifts.
I felt a little like I was in an out of body experience, where I was there with them but my mind wandered when a family passed or a parent with a young child laughing at the animated characters singing xmas songs.
When I got home I almost forgot that I had an appointment booked with the fertility counsellor and rushed down a few notes about what I was feeling.
‘Vicky’ was very nice and easy to talk to. I don’t find it easy to talk about it all and put it into manageable parts for people to understand.
To summarise we talked about the treatment, my endo, my worries, support network and my attitude towards myself.
I was able to admit that I do give myself a hard time and ask a lot of myself to ‘get back to normal’ and mask from others what I am feeling.
She reassured me that is right to feel the way I do, I am dealing with a loss not unlike when you lose someone close to you and that the journey physically and emotionally is exhausting.
A lot of her patients take time off to relax, sleep and rest after a cycle of treatment.
She described the following; If you are fighting in a war and you are standing there injured with arrows sticking out of you would you carry on fighting tired and injured, or would you stop, remove each arrow one by one, retreat under a bush to recuperate and then fight again!?
We mentioned the close friend who is pregnant and I said ‘ I am finding it a little bit hard’ She said to me… ‘you just sad you are finding it a little bit hard, I would think it is more that a little bit hard for you’
Yes I admit it….. I am not dealing with it very well! Its ok to say that!
After I came off the phone I felt a little emotional but I felt reassured. I explained what had been said to my hubby and he agreed with the explanations.
In conclusion I need to give myself a break……. Its ok to be feeling like this, Its ok to be off to recuperate and I am being pro active getting appointments to plan our steps.