So yesterday was a really hard one
I had made an appointment to see the Dr to arrange going back to work today.
It didn’t go according to plan
I went to see my friend on the way and ended up breaking down and it hit me then I wasn’t doing as good as I was telling everyone.
I spent all afternoon crying, to my friend, walking to drs, at drs, talking to work and at my mums.
It’s all become a bit too much, and the dr signed me off longer.
I admit I am not ok, it’s hit me how much is ahead and I was worrying about my hubby and if he would understand.
When he got home I sorted dinner and just pretended. But he picked up on it and can to hug me and he looked at me and said ‘you’re welling up again now’
Yep I just can’t stop and I admit I am depressed.
We talked through the money worries and she said we would be ok. And I was honest about how lost I was feeling. He suggested I wrote down all the things I was worrying about and then I could go through them with the fertility counsellor tonight and start to break down to smaller steps.
We decorated the Xmas tree together to raise my spirits which seemed to work temporarily.
I had so many weird and vivid dreams last night and woke up thinking.. do I feel ok? Should I be at work?
I need to give myself a break! I went downstairs to put some dinner in the slow cooker but I couldn’t open the jar, I was finding myself getting close to breaking down because I couldn’t do the jar. I got there in the end but that’s the moment I realised I have to take control of this before it takes me over.
I have been on antidepressants for over 5 yrs and I weaned off them for egg collection and stopped them. At the time I was pleased but I did feel unwell but I blamed it on the hormones.
Now I am out the other side of the failed cycle I realise I am starting to feel how I did before I started them. I don’t want to get back to that point. It won’t help our journey and I have to stop being ashamed of needing them whilst I go through all of this.
The dr has said to me yrs ago he thought I would need to be on them forever due to some kind of imbalance.
So I took one and now I know they can take weeks to get back into your system but at least I know I am doing something to help me sort and prioritise the steps in need to take.
I am going to do a bit of cleaning this morning and go out with my family his afternoon to help me distract my brain.
Day by day. Step by step.