Checking in

Well the last few days have been up and down what with a break away, and getting back in to the swing of daily life.

Its almost like when you think about the treatment you have just been through it doesn’t seem real. How did i find  the energy and determination to get through all of that and the next bit to come.

I have been thinking a lot about how to balance living with Endo and not being defined by it. I lost a lot of confidence and my cheeky sense of humour through all of this and i miss that.

Its only hitting me properly now I realise friends are noticing too.

I really want to concentrate on my marriage and enjoying life together.

Over certain moments of the last few days i have considered throwing in the towel at trying again and ever having children of my own. Accept that my body isn’t made for it and adopt. Would i regret my decision ?!

I worry about how i will feel emotionally after giving birth and if i will be prone to PND due to my overactive hormones.

I also think about living with the day to day affects of the condition like the constant pressure on my bladder and incredibly random bowels. Maybe the removal of the tube and ovary on the bad side will be enough to change my life? I really hope so.

The exhaustion is something that is hitting pretty hard right now, i am even struggling to stay awake after being out of bed for an hour.

Thank goodness I can have caffeine now!

I have some friends coming over tomorrow night and I am very nervous about any questions they may ask or if i will feel relaxed and have fun.

I also have my work Christmas dinner on Friday and my appetite hasn’t been so good and I am worrying about the 3 course meal and making conversation.

I have spent so much time going through all this and talking about it that i have forgotten how to do anything else.

I am still spotting more heavily and my period was the 28th November, surely it has to stop soon!

Christmas day I am due my next period and I am already worrying about when my symptoms will kick in and if it is going to make the days leading up to it and the day crappy. Please body give me a break….. i can cope with the pain but once the bowels kick in its hell.

All i want for Christmas is to be well and spend time with the people i love.


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