I had been feeling scared but strong today. I felt like i was processing a lot of thoughts and feelings and closer to having a plan of what’s next.
But tonight my hubby is homesick and another person we know is pregnant.
I am overjoyed for them, they have had struggles themselves and truly deserve happiness.
But I can’t help feeling like my insides are useless and why can’t I have what so many people can just have in a split second.
I feel defunked, faulty and I am starting to think I am not meant to be a parent. Hubby picked up on the fact the news had effected me. We ended up talking about how he would feel if I wasn’t well enough to try ivf again and whether he would think less of me.
Of course he said he wouldn’t but that he knew I would probably regret not taking the chance to try again.
Well after scan Day I get to see the consultant again and I will have a clearer picture of the damage in there and the severity of the op.
Then if I have the strength to try again I will ask the consultant to give me a hysterectomy if it fails.
As my hubby says we need a fresh healthy start. We have planned to move to oz for many years and my illness, operations, and fertility battles have kept us here.
We can’t put our move and happiness on hold much longer.
We have a lot to go through and a lot of decisions to make this year.
Step one. Hope for relief from the bowel bleeding for a few months. MRI
Step two. Surgery!
Step three. Recovery.
Step four. IVF?
????????? The rest is in gods hands