Day 18 – Reflective

I think my low night on Wednesday was the beginning of a few side effects.

I woke up feeling a bit foolish about my low mood the night before and started to rethink a few things that had been bothering me.

Alot of my issues at the moment is around my confidence in my own appearance, body and having anything that stands out or makes me special.

I somehow need to reclaim myself from this condition and not let it define me and control my choices.

At the moment I don’t know where to start.

I have been thinking about hobbies, and people i need to reconnect with and although arranging to meet someone seems a big step I can text and reach out in other ways whilst i gain confidence.

There are people i really want to see but feel i have nothing other than my health to talk about.

Its a vicious circle because if i don’t go out i don’t have anything different to talk about.

My hubby was uploading his photos from his phone last night and as it went across to the laptop images from the last few years of our relationship flashed up.

They made me smile seeing the places, and experiences we had together and saw the grinning selfies at every opportunity.

I don’t do that a lot now, i think i look old.

It made me realise how much we had done and how much we should be doing.

My hubby commented on how hot i looked in one of them and i could hardly recognise myself. I think we need a night out where i can dress up, make up and heels on and try to find that person who feels good about posing for the camera.

I am 39 in a few months and i feel like the last few years have swept past and we haven’t achieved any of the goals we set (apart from some saving)

I am beginning to think I might be ready to give up and move on from being a biological mum. The more I reflect and think about our life the more i think we deserve to focus on living our lives and achieving our new life in Oz.

I have my pre-op on Monday and on Wednesday I have my last appointment with my Endo consultant before surgery in 2 weeks.

I will discuss with him the action to take should he feel the damage to the other ovary is significant enough to hinder our chances even further. From then I want to know if he would take away the other one or my womb should the damage be significant enough or would this be further surgery.

I am feeling quite calm but a little under the weather. I am not sure if its the start of a cold that’s going round the office or the permanent dull headache is a side effect. I have had a tickly cough that turns up and goes away again, and i feel a bit groggy.

I think its time I have some important discussions and start to make some decisions about our future.



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