Well the last few days have been full of mixed feelings.
A massive weight has been lifted from shoulders as we made the hardest decision I am yet to make in my life.
We have decided to not continue with IVF treatment. Giving up our hopes of having biological children has not been and easy decision to come to but we have finally reached it.
After weighing up the pros and cons of continuing through surgery, recovery, ivf and pregnancy risks this has to be the most productive choice.
So today I saw my Endo surgeon and he agreed to take both of my ovaries when I have my surgery on the 13th. This alongside the removal of the bad tube, and excision of the Endo sticking my bowel to my womb should start me on the way to a new start.
We discussed hrt, calcium and osteoporosis risks which he will help me with. I will not be having my next prostap as it will no longer be necessary. I will be going straight into the menopause after surgery.
For now I will be keeping my womb as the ovary removal itself should be sufficient to stop the Endo as long as the hrt put back isn’t too high and if the surgeon gets all the Endo he can in surgery.
Since my diagnosis which was coincidentally around the time we got married our life has resolved around me and my ever-changing symptoms, appointments and treatments.
Our social life has gradually disappeared along with my confidence. And this doesn’t begin to touch the surface on the effects this had on our personal relationship.
I am fed up with fighting, struggling, missing out and worrying about how I might feel. Wearing sanitary protection every day of my life, anti depressants, pain killers, constipation, bleeding, bloating, cystitis and so much more.
My egg reserve was already really low and we only got two eggs last time, the surgeon had warned we only had about a 12% chance of success, but now I have started the peri-menopause due to the ivf drugs.
It was a fight to get IVF and I appreciate to some giving up after one try might seem stupid to some. But I had no idea how heavily the IVF drugs would effect my Endo.
My fears of how my periods will be after prostap and surgery, how I will cope with another failure, how pregnancy might effect me physically and emotionally. Also how I would cope with a baby with Endo.
I don’t want to bring a child into a relationship at a time when we are not loving life and when my health is not guaranteed.
So this isn’t about giving up it’s about getting my life back. It’s about taking another direction in our life and opening up to experience life.
I am coming to terms with the fact I will not be a parent in the way I had planned but we will love a child that needs us in the future.
I am not saying that I don’t have any doubts, of course I am human and when I saw a 6 week yr old baby today I did feel a pang of pain. But then I remember the reason I feel ok is because I am on a menopause drug. Off of it I wouldn’t cope with general life.
As the surgery gets closer I am sure I will do a lot of thinking and possibly grieving the chances of having a little one naturally but I will always be able to give a living home to a child that needs me. That in turn will be an amazing gift for us and for the child we give a home to.