Operation Day

I got through yesterdays bowel prep feeling so hungry and sick of jelly.

The effects started and stopped within a hour or so. Although I did have to go again before bed and I don’t know what’s to come!

I had a restless night in between dreams.

My brain is going crazy with what ifs, buts and maybes. I think the realisation that this is final is finally coming through.

The options of one ovary, half or ovary, or no ovaries are running through my mind.

Will I regret this? Will I remember why I made this decision? Would I have had an chance of becoming a biological mum? The smallest of hopes or chances are in my head.

But I do not want to go through another ivf, more periods, further endo complications. I can not spend another year or more trying.

I am sure the thoughts I am having are totally normal. I just wish I could see into the future and know if this is going to work for my health.

It feels like a giant gamble…. and it comes with side effects. But these side effects against the ones I would suffer with my ovary, cycles and growing Endo would be much worse.

I just want to say to my eggs (if there are any left)…. I am sorry I am not giving up on you, I want the best for you and if you came as a miracle I don’t know that I would be well enough to look after you and give you everything you deserve. I hope you understand.

I promise to give my unconditional love to a child or children in need.

 

 


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