Struggling 

A whole day of pains, bloating and soreness with my bowels. The last few days have been really uncomfortable. My tummy is not happy and I have no idea why.  It’s gurgling, windy, cramping and painful to go. I have been over 7 times today. It’s almost like my metabolism is working over time. I am hoping to try Buscopan as I heard it’s good for these sort if symptoms.

My stent is stabbing at me like it’s telling me it’s ready to come out. (Monday)

I have chased the Endo nurse but I think she must be on leave.

The discomfort is getting to me now. After the big op, and the hope of recovery feeling this bad so soon after has been a shock. That is effecting me mood and I am beginning to feel angry about a few things. 

I spoke to my counsellor today and she said it’s like I am getting to that point of realisation, resentment and grieving. People around you would find it easier to sympathise if you have actually lost a child. But in this situation they see you coping well and they relax thinking your ok. In fact it takes a few weeks to be processed and when they think your over it is when you start to struggle. 

She said that I am beginning an internal grief, or meltdown and I need to explain to others that I am having bad days and they need to give me more understanding. I do feel that I have been swept under the carpet by some people and left to get on with it. I am not saying I want to spill my heart out to someone. Would just be nice to be acknowledged sometimes. 

I internalise a lot because I don’t want to upset anyone, and also I am bored of hearing myself saying I feel ill or exhausted. But at the moment this is my life and my daily struggle. 

Tomorrow I am going to see family but I am  apprehensive. My heavily pregnant sister will be there and I love her to bits but being around her and doting family members makes me anxious and resentful. I feel I can’t express this in front of any of them so I end up trying to be brave faced. 

Perhaps it would be easier if I was feeling better physically and making improvements but right now I am static and yet again waiting for someone to give me answers and some hope.

I am not going to accept that this is my lot in life. I want and deserve more. 


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