Looking forward ?

Another beautiful day for a walk along the sea front. This time I stopped for a bask on the sun. I feel very tired lethargic at the moment. Almost like I need a new challenge. 

I struggled to sleep last night with all the horrid terrorism in the news. I just kept thinking how the victims, family and friends are feeling right now. How scared that were and what a long journey they all have.its scary to be living in a world full of so much unrest. 

My auntie also got knocked off her mobility scooter by a taxi driver who wasn’t looking where he was going. Luckily she is ok but the moments surrounding the event made me feel sick to my stomach and think how unfair life can be to some people. Has my auntie not been through enough pain, upset and lows to deserve a chance to be happy. It makes you think about your own life and what direction you are taking. On one hand you are wanting to take life by the balls and make changes and new beginnings, and the other you are terrified of leaving others behind, and what will life be like for them when you go and start your adventure. 

How do you go about creating your own future when others appear to have a dull one. I want to find my place and direction in life. We can’t have our own children but will we be ready and stable enough to adopt. Can I truly make peace with my Endo and live how I want to?

These and so many questions are running through my head at the moment. I guess it’s the process of the changes my body is going through and the creation of a new plan for life as you grieve the part you can’t have. 

The bubbly cheeky me only springs out occasionally, I want her back fully and I want to feel more motivated. The walking daily is helping me to feel I am making some steps but it doesn’t feel enough. 

I am feeling like I can’t trust my body. Am I going to be well now? Are my symptoms going to return? Will I start to feel worse soon? Can I find my confidence again? 

And the big open question. What do I do now!? 

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